MASS TRANSIT VIA POPE MOBILE

This morning I went to Mass. Well, sort of. Watched the whole Catholic Mass with Pope Benedict from Yankee Stadium on cable TV. That's as close to going to church I'll probably get, being the Agnostic I am! What a spectacle it was! With all that angelic music and pomp and circumstance, I thought I died in my sleep and woke up near the Pearly Gates!

Yet, it didn't matter what 'religion' it was, as long as it brought people together in joy and happiness, which it certainly seemed to do. It was truly amazing to see this kind of unadulterated bliss coming out of jaded hard-core New York, and Yankee Stadium at that! And what a refreshing change from all the political and war coverage on TV! I'd rather look at the Pope any day than Hillary knocking back a whiskey!!

Still, I am left with some burning questions:

1. Boxers or Briefs under Benny's vestments?

2. At the end of the event, when Benny went back inside the dugout to change before boarding the Pope Mobile, did his high-hatted assistants personally assist him in the 'Men's' room? And when in there, did he get special embossed TOILET PAPER? I'm sure he didn't have to suffer wiping with the usual Yankee Stadium TP!

3. Is the Pope Mobile equipped with DVD and a CD player? Did he pop in 'Heaven Can Wait' in the DVD on his way to the airport or maybe the song "'Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life"'!?

4. Did anyone else notice the red-hatted Cardinal who, at the end of the event, whipped off his holy red hat and put on a Yankee's ball cap?! (Yes, this really happened!)

In any case, I have to admit that I really do admire Benny. At 81 years old, he obviously is very sprite and aware of all that was going on around him, including all the jokes, songs and screaming during the Mass. Indeed, Benny is a Rock Star! Imagine how excited all those nuns were today! Probably the closest thing to orgasm they'll ever feel!! And all those lucky people who got to kiss His Eminence's Ring! They are all now probably expecting good luck to befall them. Knowing my luck, if I ever got a chance to kiss the Pope's ring, I'd probably turn into a Frog!

And now just think of all the items that are going to turn up on EBAY!!! Yellow and white hankerchiefs that 'waved at the Pope', a popcorn cup that has the Pope Mobile's tire tracks on it, Rosary beads that broke during a stampede between a Mother Teresa nun and a grey-haired Catholic Italian lady, a photo of the Pope's foot, or maybe a hot dog with a mustard-smeared image of Jesus on it!

Which all makes me wonder......

..... I wonder if Jesus Christ will get the same media and security coverage when HE comes back?? ~~~~~

I RAN WITH THE OLYMPIC TORCH!

...or The Olympic-Size San Francisco Switcheroo..

Well, yours truly ran with the Olympic TORCH today! Well, um... Not quite..... I didn't actually RUN and CARRY the Torch....! It happened like this:

I wasn't really planning on going down and getting in the middle of the Olympic Torch Ceremony today, but since the Embarcadero is only a couple of blocks from where I live, and since it's a historical (hysterical?) event, and because it's not happening anywhere else in the United States, I decided I'd pop down just to watch the Flame go by and then get back to my chores. It was such a gloriously beautiful day, that I decided to try my luck by driving straight down Vallejo street (right outside my garage) where I happen to know of a few legitimate secret parking spots that most visitors wouldn't even think of. Sure enough, I found several spots right across the street from the Waterfront Restaurant on the Embarcadero!! All I had to do was cross the street!!! "Woo Hoo!!" I thought!!!

Well, as expected, there was a all kinds of commotion and hundreds of protesters marching past, etc. Tibetan flags and Chinese flags everywhere, some even coming out of people's parkas and some sticking out of people's hair! The official start was to be at 1:00 pm from The Ballpark area, a few miles down on the Embarcadero, and so I stood along the Embarcadero for about an hour in the brisk, cold wind, waiting for the EVENT to pass by approximately at 1:30 pm.

However, at approximately 1:45 pm, we noticed some 'oddities'. The same crowd of hundreds of protesters who were initially heading toward Fisherman's Wharf, and who had passed before us about a half hour previously, were now COMING BACK THE OTHER WAY! Then we also noticed the police loosening up and not worrying if people were in front of the barricades or even in the middle of the street. Pretty soon, the buzz went around, emanating from people listening on radios, that the TORCH was clear across town on Van Ness Avenue (!), and nowhere near the Embarcadero!! SAY WHAT???!!!!

What a disappointment! You could almost hear a huge collective sigh of frustration from the crowds, many who had come from out of town and even out of state. I walked back to my car, hopped in and took off, literally following the helicopters above! For wherever the helicopters were, that's obviously where the Torch Procession was! I was sure I could head them off down at the end of Van Ness and Bay Street, and sure enough, I was right! Flew down to the corner of Bay and Van Ness and quickly pulled over into a fire hydrant spot! Now, any other day, this would be committing San Francisco Parking Suicide. But there were cars parked every which way and in all kinds of illegal spots, as everyone KNEW that at a time like this, there were no meter maids or police bothering with such piddling things such as parking tickets !! So it was 'Every Man for Himself' as thousands chased down the Moving Target, the TORCH!! I only had to walk 50 feet to the corner from where I illegally parked the car (My Parking Karma rescues me again!), and there I got to see the whole Olympic kit and kaboodle go by!

Filmed all of the procession, the buses , the riot police, the police on bikes, the police on foot and thought I got the FLAME on my camera as it and the blue-costumed Torchbearers went right past me, but alas, there was too much confusion and people in front of me..! Darn! Got everything on film but the damn Torch!! BUT I DID SEE IT WITH MY OWN EYES! So my wild goose ...er, TORCH... chase across town paid off!

It was a most gorgeous day in SF. One of those 'Only in San Francisco' moments and events! So after the Torch and Torchbearers passed, they surprisingly headed toward the Golden Gate bridge. Nobody was expecting THAT! I went back to my car and sat there deciding to stay put for awhile, while listening the the news on the car radio, thinking the Torch procession might be coming back the same way. San Francisco became a madhouse! There were TV and radio reporters who had no idea in which direction the Torch was going and who ended up running down sidewalks, hailing cabs, and reporting LIVE with gasping breaths!! One TV reporter even ended up getting a ride from a competitor TV reporter to chase down the Torch! INSANITY. I'm sure the ancient Greeks never visualized anything quite like THIS!!

But by now, I guess you heard, they cut the whole thing short on Doyle Drive, the approach to the GG Bridge (of all the dangerous places!!), and then the whole group got in buses and headed down 19th Avenue back to the airport. The Closing Ceremony was briefly held right there on Doyle Drive, of all inane places, and it terminated right after that. Supposedly, the Flame leaves the airport at 9 pm tonight and heads south to Buenos Aires.

A lot of people are MAD. Mad that Gavin Newsom, our Mayor, changed the route and cheated a lot of people who had come from out of state and/or out of town with kids and dogs in tow, and misled them with a Bait and Switch. Others are saying that it was good no one got hurt. Well, I was lucky that I live here and was able to jump in my car and follow it across town, but I feel sorry for all those people who made a day of it to come to SF by boat, Bart or car, and then missed the whole thing! What a dirty trick. Frankly, I think they could have prevented any serious disruption with all the THOUSANDS of police and riot squads they had, without having to COMPLETELY switch the route! That in itself almost caused a riot!!

But what I really want to know is .......
......how the hell do they get a LIT TORCH on an AIRPLANE, when I can't even take my tweezers!!!!??