GHOSTS OF THE PAST
I have been over at my mom's house for 6 days trying to sort things out. My sister and I met over there on Tuesday last week to tend to affairs. After our meeting with our attorney on Thursday, my sister left to return to her home and job. I was going to return home that afternoon, but then the battery went dead on my mom's car which I am now driving. The AAA came out and couldn't get it started (!), and said it probably drained so low that the computer had to be reset! Well, by that time, it was dark and everything was closed. Had to stay another night.
Next day, go down and the car starts fine. But since I was worried about it, took the car to the local shop. Turns out it did need a new battery, so there went another $110. Then I ran into a friend of mom's walking down the street near the repair shop, and we decided to have a late lunch together. Badly neeeded some company to talk to, so that was nice. By the time we got done, it was again too late to drive home to SF. Decided to stay another night at mom's. Or maybe I just found it hard to leave Mama's house.
That night I try and start cleaning out some closets and drawers at mom's. Find hundreds of photos, momentos that just blew me away. Started bawling and sobbing, and walking around her house in a state of stupor and anxiety, wondering how the hell I was going to do all this cleanup and resolve what we have to resolve. Completely wore myself out with the emotional upheaval. Fell into her bed that night and fell asleep without even getting under the covers, but tossed and turned all night and had nightmares. Dreamed I was driving my car and my mom was in her car ahead of me on the freeway. Then she took a turnoff the freeway, and I could NOT go that way! I had to go straight and lost her. I could not follow her. Need I say what that all meant!?
So now it was Saturday. I thought that since I was already there at mom's house and had no urgent duties at my house, I might as well keep on the roll I was on, cleaning things out and organizing. Oh gawd. Every drawer I opened, every closet I opened, I would find more lost letters, photos, memories, etc. A lot of this I HAD NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! I don't know why mom kept such precious memories hidden from us. For instance, I found my FATHER'S WALLET as it was on the day he died in 1956! A 3 cent stamp still in it, his drivers licence, photos of us as kids, receipts for his car insurance, etc. Even his Pharmaceutical licence. Just TOUCHING his wallet I broke down. I've never cried like this in my life. Deep sobs and tears from my soul. Then I found love letters from him to my mom before they were married. He called her 'Doll'. Why did mom never share these with us, I'll never know.
I spent all day Sat and Sat evening going through personal effects. I cleaned out 2 closets and put all the personal effects (photos, albums, etc) in there for now, knowing that at some point when we sell the house, those will all have to go in storage as neither my sister nor I have space in our small apartments to store such stuff. Then I cleaned out a couple more closets, putting unwanted stuff in bags to take to Goodwill, etc. But this was all so difficult, as I felt that everything I touched was part of my mom, and even the most worn, faded potholder was hard to throw in the bag. I felt like I was defacing and ransacking her house.
While I did all this cleaning, I also gathered up some worthwhile items I want to sell on Ebay. Had to photograph them, and then write up the descriptions. In doing so, I had half the living room and kitchen area crammed full of these items all over the floor.
Saturday night, I sat down to eat, and then again, put down the fork and just came apart. I sobbed and sobbed until I was worn out. I have no one to share this grief with as my sister is now totally over it. She says she has no good memories in the house and it is all just 'stuff' to her! I don't know how she can say this. That hurts too. So I am so alone in my grief.
Woke up Sunday and was drained. Was going to get dressed and leave early afternoon. But then I looked around and found that I could not leave the house in such an upheaval. I decided I would put all the Ebay to-sell stuff in the spare bedroom and get them out of the living room and kitchen. In order to do that, however, I had to clean out part of the small bedroom. Then I hauled all the photos, albums, boxes, etc. to the closet in that room. Then I took all the stuff that will be hauled away down to the garage. This involved many trips up and down the steps and a LOT of heavy lifting and pulling and pulling. After that, I washed the dishes, vacuumed the house, and felt somewhat better that I did some things. Still, it is only the tip of the iceberg. I was so exhausted. Where is everyone who in the days during and right after the funeral, said they'd be happy to help?
Finally left mom's house Sunday at 6 pm after being there since Tuesday. On the way home, someone driving in the next lane signaled to me that my front right tire was really low. I found that I almost had a flat tire! Stopped to get some air at 3 different gas stations, and each one, believe it or not, was OUT OF AIR! Kind of like me..... out of air. Finally found a station, and got some air and made it home by 7 pm.
I feel like those 6 days was actually 48 years. I relived the 48 years of us being a family in that house, and all the events, good and bad. Saw photos of myself from the age of 17 years to now in a million zillion different hair styles and clothes styles! Some boxes had just negatives of the photos in them. Negatives of photos I've NEVER ever seen before. The negatives showed people and lives now gone by and over and done with. Viewing these negatives was like seeing GHOSTS of the past. Only shadows. What is life all about anyway?
Next day, go down and the car starts fine. But since I was worried about it, took the car to the local shop. Turns out it did need a new battery, so there went another $110. Then I ran into a friend of mom's walking down the street near the repair shop, and we decided to have a late lunch together. Badly neeeded some company to talk to, so that was nice. By the time we got done, it was again too late to drive home to SF. Decided to stay another night at mom's. Or maybe I just found it hard to leave Mama's house.
That night I try and start cleaning out some closets and drawers at mom's. Find hundreds of photos, momentos that just blew me away. Started bawling and sobbing, and walking around her house in a state of stupor and anxiety, wondering how the hell I was going to do all this cleanup and resolve what we have to resolve. Completely wore myself out with the emotional upheaval. Fell into her bed that night and fell asleep without even getting under the covers, but tossed and turned all night and had nightmares. Dreamed I was driving my car and my mom was in her car ahead of me on the freeway. Then she took a turnoff the freeway, and I could NOT go that way! I had to go straight and lost her. I could not follow her. Need I say what that all meant!?
So now it was Saturday. I thought that since I was already there at mom's house and had no urgent duties at my house, I might as well keep on the roll I was on, cleaning things out and organizing. Oh gawd. Every drawer I opened, every closet I opened, I would find more lost letters, photos, memories, etc. A lot of this I HAD NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! I don't know why mom kept such precious memories hidden from us. For instance, I found my FATHER'S WALLET as it was on the day he died in 1956! A 3 cent stamp still in it, his drivers licence, photos of us as kids, receipts for his car insurance, etc. Even his Pharmaceutical licence. Just TOUCHING his wallet I broke down. I've never cried like this in my life. Deep sobs and tears from my soul. Then I found love letters from him to my mom before they were married. He called her 'Doll'. Why did mom never share these with us, I'll never know.
I spent all day Sat and Sat evening going through personal effects. I cleaned out 2 closets and put all the personal effects (photos, albums, etc) in there for now, knowing that at some point when we sell the house, those will all have to go in storage as neither my sister nor I have space in our small apartments to store such stuff. Then I cleaned out a couple more closets, putting unwanted stuff in bags to take to Goodwill, etc. But this was all so difficult, as I felt that everything I touched was part of my mom, and even the most worn, faded potholder was hard to throw in the bag. I felt like I was defacing and ransacking her house.
While I did all this cleaning, I also gathered up some worthwhile items I want to sell on Ebay. Had to photograph them, and then write up the descriptions. In doing so, I had half the living room and kitchen area crammed full of these items all over the floor.
Saturday night, I sat down to eat, and then again, put down the fork and just came apart. I sobbed and sobbed until I was worn out. I have no one to share this grief with as my sister is now totally over it. She says she has no good memories in the house and it is all just 'stuff' to her! I don't know how she can say this. That hurts too. So I am so alone in my grief.
Woke up Sunday and was drained. Was going to get dressed and leave early afternoon. But then I looked around and found that I could not leave the house in such an upheaval. I decided I would put all the Ebay to-sell stuff in the spare bedroom and get them out of the living room and kitchen. In order to do that, however, I had to clean out part of the small bedroom. Then I hauled all the photos, albums, boxes, etc. to the closet in that room. Then I took all the stuff that will be hauled away down to the garage. This involved many trips up and down the steps and a LOT of heavy lifting and pulling and pulling. After that, I washed the dishes, vacuumed the house, and felt somewhat better that I did some things. Still, it is only the tip of the iceberg. I was so exhausted. Where is everyone who in the days during and right after the funeral, said they'd be happy to help?
Finally left mom's house Sunday at 6 pm after being there since Tuesday. On the way home, someone driving in the next lane signaled to me that my front right tire was really low. I found that I almost had a flat tire! Stopped to get some air at 3 different gas stations, and each one, believe it or not, was OUT OF AIR! Kind of like me..... out of air. Finally found a station, and got some air and made it home by 7 pm.
I feel like those 6 days was actually 48 years. I relived the 48 years of us being a family in that house, and all the events, good and bad. Saw photos of myself from the age of 17 years to now in a million zillion different hair styles and clothes styles! Some boxes had just negatives of the photos in them. Negatives of photos I've NEVER ever seen before. The negatives showed people and lives now gone by and over and done with. Viewing these negatives was like seeing GHOSTS of the past. Only shadows. What is life all about anyway?
posted by LADYGOLD at 4:29 PM
